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4th May - 26th June 2012

4th May 2012 – 26th June 2012

The last 2 months have been insane. We have moved back to Alnwick which has made me a bit better with the family support around me. I have been proscribed Prozac for depression as I was crying all of the time and could see no hope for the future for anything. It has definitely helped me but I still feel very anxious about everything that is ongoing. Last Wednesday (20th June) I was meant to go on a spa day to Longhirst with my friends and I had already paid my £50. Around 7am that morning I had excruciating abdominal pain and felt that I needed to have a pooh!!! I rushed to the toilet and lo and behold I went to the toilet normally. I couldn’t believe it. I was absolutely panic stricken, thinking that I’d burst internally or something terrible had happened. I called NHS Direct and they said I should go straight to the hospital to get checked out. I called my mum and she came down to look after Sam while dad drove me to Alnwick minor injuries clinic. I saw a doctor after waiting a couple of hours and he also didn’t have a clue what was going. As I had no control I was incontinent that morning and had to wear nappies. Unbelievably humiliating and it brought it all back to me that horrific week in the hospital. He rang my colorectal consultant who eventually rang back after a few hours and said that this was normal and not to worry. I didn’t understand this and was not happy with this vague information, so the next morning I called the stoma nurses at the hospital where I had my operation, who explained that the stool had been there since the surgery, and that sometimes it is passed straight away, sometimes months or years afterwards. Why the fuck did no-body tell me?!?!?!?! It was absolutely terrifying. It made me lose confidence in my body again and I keep worrying that it will happen again. I had no control over it and it was very frightening.

I have finally gone to a baby group. I had avoided going for ages because I felt so depressed. I didn’t want to see all these other happy mums having a lovely time with their babies, who didn’t have all this shit to worry about and who had just had a baby and got on with their lives. I didn’t feel like explaining everything that had gone on all over again so I just spent time with my mum and mother-in-law for the first few weeks. I lost all my confidence and felt a bit reclusive. The tablets are definitely working so I feel calmer but still have a lot to worry about.