March 19th-April 20th 2012

March 19th – April 18th 2012

I have had a busy and emotionally draining month. I got my test results back on the 20th March and they were as bad as can be. I have opted to keep the colostomy as I simply cannot face the trauma of more operations. The colo rectal consultants assistant again stated that if the repair surgery was successful the best control I could ever hope for would be 5-10 minutes. This is just not good enough for me. What if I eat something dodgy? What if the surgery doesn’t work? He stated that they wouldn’t know for sure how successful the repair to the sphincter would be until the colostomy would be reversed. I simply cannot face any more surgery. I cannot bear the thought of things going wrong, it not working and also the stress about it all – waiting lists and such like. I loathe the colostomy but at least it takes the uncertainty away. And what’s the point if I might need it back again at some point. I also don’t want to spend Sam’s precious early years in and out of hospital. And if by a miracle I decide I want another baby then my biological clock is ticking and I don’t want to have to fit this in around surgery. I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. I know that the fistula will require surgery but that is ok as it’s necessary. I haven’t got the examination under general anaesthetic until 5th July when I will find out how they are going to fix it. Imagine how long I will then have to wait for surgery!!!

I have really struggled this last month as everything has got on top of me. I’m stressed about the medical side of things, about my claim and if I will win and what is happening with work. All this ontop of trying to look after Sam and coming to terms with my long term physical limitations. I am very angry that I have to see a psychiatrist through work as I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone else about it, I don’t want everything dragged up and examined in detail when really I think I am coping perfectly well. I talk to my friends and to my family and I am not interested in talking to a complete stranger who will just make me unnecessarily upset about it all. I went into work the other week, just popped in. This was a huge mistake. I got extremely upset when I left because it just reminded me of everything that I have lost, my team and the job I absolutely loved. It was extremely upsetting seeing police officers dashing about, and going to exciting radio calls, knowing that all of that has been denied to me now. I can distance myself a little from what has happened if it is not shoved in my face other people doing the job I want to do. The only comparison that I can think of is that if someone has died the last thing that you want to do is go and sit in their room being reminded of your loss. So why on earth would I want to go and sit in a police station and undergo that psychological trauma on a daily basis?

The fistula then has become infected again – yesterday (17th April), I had to go to the walk-in at the Hospital. I was at a friends house having a catch up but it was becoming more painful so I tried to get a Dr’s appointment but getting past the bloody receptionist, and trying to explain that it is in fact urgent, is just so much bloody hard work I don’t bother any more! So I went and got more metronidazol. It was really painful by last night and I was hardly able to walk to the pharmacy a 5 minute walk away to get my medication. I bathed it in salty water last night but it’s still sore today. Am fed up with this!! Went to a new baby group this morning and I had to leave after 30 minutes as it was too sore sitting for a long time. This is 6 months down the bloody line, I wish I could be like other mothers and just be enjoying their child and not fannying about with constant infections!! I have a friend coming for tea tonight and we were going to have some wine for the first time together in weeks but now of course I can’t drink. Once more this situation is dominating my life no matter how much I try to get along with things!!

Friday 20th April 2012

Yesterday the fistula was still very sore, and the nurse at the hospital on Wednesday told me that I had to get it swabbed by my GP. I couldn’t face ringing them on Wednesday at the surgery so I called yesterday morning. I explained what I needed and was told that there were no appointments and to ring later. I explained that it was important that the area was swabbed because I didn’t think that it was getting better and the nurse at the hospital had advised me that it required swabbing. Still the receptionist said there were no appointments and that my GP was not in that day and there were only locums. I burst into tears and said how incredibly stressful I was finding it all, and that I really needed it swabbed urgently. Why do they have to make things so difficult!! Lo and behold she then said my GP was in after all!! I was told later that I had to do my own swabs (!), so I tried to do it in the surgery toilet (Sam was in the car as I had no-one to look after him for me) but obviously I couldn’t really see properly and am not sure where exactly to swab. I am livid at all this. It would only take the dr a moment to swab me!!!!!

Then today the pain has become worse and worse, to the point it is very painful to sit down, the mucus has become brown, and I can feel a “bubbling” coming out of somewhere near the anus. Something is not right. Sam is in bed so I called NHS Direct and explained. They called me back and said I was on the right medication. I said I can’t be because it is getting worse and not better, and it is making it awkward to walk. She said it was not urgent and to take pain killers and go to the walk in centre in town tomorrow. I just feel so fucking fed up. Why does no-one care? I ended up on a drip last time!! I am sure something is not right. Why couldn’t I just be seen by my GP and helped earlier in the week! Really fed up and pissed off. It’s Sam’s 6 month milestone today and again it has been overshadowed by infection, battles with the NHS and such like when all I should have done today is enjoy his milestone.

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