First Christmas

Tuesday 20th December 2011 – Thursday 29th December

I went home to Alnwick for Christmas. I had a lovely time but I felt annoyed that I was restricted to what I could wear – just baggy clothes and loose fitting trousers. I got a new pair of Ugg boots for Christmas and I was really upset that they didn’t look right with my trousers because I can’t wear jeans over my bag. My legs get cold in this weather, especially in the wind or if it gets rainy. I am so anxious about my bag making noises that I am really careful about what I eat, but I remain anxious throughout the many visits we have from people who have come to see Sam. It has spoilt it for me really because I’m very self conscious instead of just enjoying it all. I was worried about Christmas dinner because there was a lot of food and drink but I just kept going to the toilet to keep an eye on my bag and emptying it in case it filled rapidly. I miss being intimate with Chris and I can’t cuddle him in bed because my stoma hurts and the bag just spoils things for cuddles. I went to see a dr at the hospital when we got home and my bag made farting noises when she was sitting speaking to me - she pretended not to notice but I was so embarrassed, I kept coughing to cover it up. The journey back was anxious too because I had to sit with boxes on my stomach which pressed against my bag and I spent the whole journey worrying that the bag was leaking. It’s always on my mind and I’m getting really fed up with the whole thing. Sam is getting stronger and kicking harder when I feed him, and he gets wind so he struggles a lot and I’m really worried about what it will be like when Chris goes back to work and I’m on my own with Sam next week.

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