February 17th – March 7th 2012
I have really struggled emotionally these last few weeks. I feel really depressed and cry all the time over nothing. I have had my appointment with the colorectal consultant organised by my solicitor, and I found the whole thing just traumatic. It’s just humiliating and upsetting, and reality is setting home that I am at the beginning of a long road to recovery. I can basically write off the rest of this year which is devastating because I had so been looking forward to my first summer with Sam. I feel depressed and can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t felt up to writing this diary really. I have made an appointment to see the Dr on Monday to see if I can get some anti-depressants but I’m not sure if they will work since the pill cannot work with a colostomy so maybe all pills won’t work. I feel hopeless about everything.
I get so much mucus from the rear end that I now cannot walk for more than 40 minutes without everything rubbing together and getting very red and sore. This is unbelievably frustrating as I love to walk for around 1-2 hours every day and of course summer is on the way so I love to be outdoors. I feel like my life has been ruined by this whole bloody situation.
March 8th – 19th 2012
I haven’t felt like writing much recently. I was so depressed last week I went to the Dr to get anti-depressants but I didn’t feel right on them and I don’t want to be on drugs so I have come off them. I have also decided that if it is possible I will keep the colostomy. I know, unbelievable!!! But I cannot bear the idea of more operations, more people fiddling about with me, poking and prodding me, more waiting lists, more stress and all for what? The chance of incontinence anyway? No thanks!!! It will put a scupper on my job which completely and utterly devastates me, so much so I can’t bear to think about it. But I’d lose my job anyway if I was incontinent. I just want to be left alone to get on with the rest of my life.
On Thursday 15th March overnight I went to the toilet for a wee when I smelt a strong smell of egg and saw lots of blood in the toilet bowl. When I looked in the mirror I could see blood coming out of the fistula – well, the hole in the sphincter anyway ug. I rang NHS direct (at 2am!) and eventually spoke to a dr at 3am and he said he didn’t think it was infected and not to worry. On the Friday 16th I felt uncomfortable to sit down but I often get that. However on the Saturday I decided to get checked out and what a surprise the fistula is infected. So, back on anti-biotics, which means I can’t drink and by the Saturday night I was having difficulty sitting down. I was meant to be going out for a big birthday meal with 16 friends, I was so excited about it as I haven’t seen some of them since I had Sam, but I had to cancel. I was really really upset, stupid bloody fistula still ruining my bloody social life all these months later. So that will probably need an op. Great, no escape from the bloody NHS or hospitals. I went to bed at 8:30 totally fed up while everyone else had a great time. It overshadowed my first ever mothers day. When will my bad luck ever bloody end!!!!!!!
I am getting really bloody sick of just wearing baggy trousers, I can’t have anything over my bag as it’s uncomfortable so I always wear things which look rubbish and age me 20 years!!!. I’m dying to wear jeans – maternity jeans also don’t wear well. So fucking annoying I can’t wear what I like!!!
The last 2 mornings I have tried to have a lie-in but the bag filled really quickly an leaked so I had to have a shower. This morning I was really tired as I’m stressed and not sleeping well, aswell as getting up to feed Sam, and I had to empty the bag 4 times between 4:30 and 6 and then at 7:15 it leaked so I had to get up and have a shower. Fucking thing!!!