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9th-12th December 2011

Friday 9th December

Had a hive on my right thumb overnight – gutted as thought they had all gone but had to take an anti-histamine at 3am.

I fed Sam around 9:30am and he was full to the brim when my bag suddenly filled and I had to call for Chris to take Sam – I couldn’t put him down as he’d literally just fed and would have been sick. I’m worried about next week when Chris goes – if this happens when I’m on my own then either the faeces will go everywhere or Sam will be sick and I’m worried he’ll choke as I can’t deal with the bag as quickly as I want to. Either way there’ll be a mess.

Saturday 10th December

I fed Sam this morning while Chris had another attempt at a lie in but just after I fed him the bag filled so I had to rush upstairs to give Sam to Chris. I emptied the bag and took Sam back from Chris – Sam was promptly sick all over me, the sofa, the rug and the kitchen floor so I had to change him. This was obviously from being jiggled about when I rushed upstairs due to the bag filling. This fills me with apprehension for what will happen next week when I’m on my own and I worried yesterday that this is what would happen.

Sunday 11th December

The bag has been filling with wind all day – very annoying and embarassing. It’s so annoying having to watch what I eat again having done so for 9 months during my pregnancy – it’s one of the things you look forward to after pregnancy, being able to eat whatever you like. I feel frustrated that I’m restricted just because of this stupid bag.

Monday 12th December

I rang the colorectal consultants secretary again at the hospital to see if there was an update with my appointment – she said she remembered our conversation last Wednesday and she would try and make me an appointment for January. I said that I wanted to be seen as soon as possible and she said that she understood and she might have made a note of our conversation last Wednesday. I feel very annoyed because clearly nothing has been done about making me an appointment since I last spoke to her on Wednesday. I feel increasingly anxious that I am going to take a long time to get fully functional again. It’s always on my mind.

I got another letter today, this time from Dr ****** telling me that she was starting an internal investigation into my care at the hospital as “clearly it’s not normal” for me to end up with a fistula post delivery. This makes me even more angry that the hospital aren’t getting me seen by the colo rectal consultant quickly when they know that something went wrong with my care while I was at the hospital. Why can’t anyone rush things along for me?

I drove for the first time today and realised how awkward it is – when I am a passenger I am able to wriggle about to avoid the seatbelt being over the stoma but now when I’m driving you can’t do that so easily, which I didn’t realise until I started driving. I struggle putting Sam into the back of the car as I have to twist a bit. Maybe it’s too early to be driving as if I have something coming the other way that need to avoid I might struggle. Another blow to my independence. How bloody annoying. It’s cold too so I want to be able to get out and about in the car!

This afternoon I signed the paper s starting my claim against the NHS for negligence. I feel really depressed actually, really upset that it’s come to this. I never in a million years thought I’d end up suing the NHS. Why couldn’t I just have had my baby and come home like everyone else and enjoyed being with my baby instead of worrying about operations and fighting the bloody hospital just to get seen by the consultant. I feel like I’m beginning a massive battle, and that’s just getting an appointment for an initial check up. God knows what it’s going to be like trying to get an appointment for my operations. Why do the NHS have to make things so difficult for people? I feel really upset and spend the evening upset and in tears. This is not like me at all as usually I’m very upbeat and cheerful. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I didn’t sleep all night for worrying about this, and worrying that my operations will take a long time to get sorted. I feel very vulnerable and depressed. I even feel annoyed that I have to keep this diary because it’s something else I have to fit into my day that I wouldn’t have to if I was 100%. It’s all these seemingly little things which all add up. I have no control over even what I can eat and it’s extremely annoying to say the least.

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