Tuesday 3rd January 2012
I had my appointment with the colo rectal consultant today, but I saw his assistant instead. He examined me and said that I had good strength in the resting position of my anus but that more tests would be required to see how much damage there really was. This would include an ultrasound scan. Long term he said that it was likely that I would not be incontinent but that the longest I probably would be able to “hold on” would be 5-10 minutes. This really concerns me about my job prospects as how can I be a police officer if I need to be within 10 minutes of a toilet? Totally impracticable. He also said that when I’m in my 60s and 70s I would almost certainly have problems with my continence. He said that I would maybe be on medication for the rest of my life to make sure that the faeces were the right consistency. I am really really upset about all of this. I have to go back to the colo-rectal clinic in 6 weeks for a further check up and to discuss the results of the tests. This means I won’t have the colostomy reversed for another 2 months probably. I am devastated and very upset. The examination itself was humiliating and degrading, and I’ve got more tests to come in that area. It’s just awful, terrible, I hate it all. I’m worried about the effect that all this is having on my marriage and relationship with Sam.
Wednesday 4th January 2011
Chris and I went shopping and for some in Leeds with Sam today. On the way back to the car the bag suddenly filled with runny fluid and I to shout to Chris to grab Sams pushchair which I was holding while I frantically rushed to the nearest bar. This was closed so I ran up the street and into a shopping centre, running into an empty bar to use the toilet. It gushed out everywhere when I opened the bag and I had to clean up the toilet seat and floor. It was so close to me not getting there on time! Very stressful and embarrassing. I hate it. I must have eaten too rich a lunch – I’ll have to be more careful about what I eat when we’re out. We got to the car and then about 5 minutes into the journey i felt the bag filling quickly again with fluid so Chris had to quickly turn onto a garage and I ran again to the toilet, again only just making it in time. What if this was on a motorway? Or I was alone with Sam? I was really upset about it and I feel totally disabled. I want to be able to go out for lunch and eat whatever I want without worrying about toilets and problems afterwards.