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2nd December - 8th December 2011

Friday 2nd December

In Drs surgery which was silent and I sat worrying that the bag would let off air. I told my GP Dr ***** that I was still uncomfortable and she said that that was normal for this kind of tear.

The toilet seat came down whilst I was emptying the bag so faeces went all over the toilet lid and down my trousers, so I had to take them downstairs in a little bag – there was a load of washing already on so I had to leave the trousers in a little bag waiting for the next load. It made me feel embarrassed, and like a small child.

Monday 5th December

While waiting for the solicitor to call me at 10:30 the bag suddenly filled so I had to rush to the toilet and empty it, handing the phone to my husband who was busy trying to deal with the baby. It seems to fill most rapidly in the morning, and again this morning I had to hand Sam to Chris after feeding him, instead of leaving Chris to have a lie-in, so I could empty the bag. It is extremely frustrating because it fills without warning, and particularly after food, which makes me worry about eating out in case I have an accident with the bag.

Wednesday 7th December

On the advice of a Dr friend I rang the hospital to see when my appointment with the colo rectal surgeon was as she said I should have heard by now. I spoke to his secretary and she said that the maternity ward should have made this appointment for me on discharge but no-one has and this means I am now on a waiting list with “lots of other people” but she will try and get me seen in early January. I am very angry because this has potentially delayed things by a few weeks and I want to get better quickly. I feel like no-one at the NHS cares about me or what happens to me, and surely the maternity ward should have been taking all care to make sure this appointment was made for me – and if they weren’t sure they should have checked with the colo rectal surgeons department. It’s ok for them, they don’t have to live with a colostomy bag!! Furious and upset.

During the evening we are watching tv when the bag keeps letting off farting noises. Chris makes a joke out of it as do I to lighten the mood but I worry that it will happen tomorrow when I’ve got relatives coming for the afternoon. It makes me feel so unattractive to my husband and I am worried about the impact on our life as a couple.

Thursday 8th December

I am trying to give Chris a lie-in by taking Sam downstairs – the last few times I’ve tried to do this I haven’t been able to carry Sam downstairs due to the stomach operation, and even when I have done so the bag has suddenly filled (it being morning when it happens the quickest) and I’ve had to hand Sam to Chris waking him up. It makes me feel frustrated and I know Chris believes me when I say I’ve got to run to the bathroom but I do worry that he will reach the end of his patience. It’s not a massive thing to other people but I want to do nice things for my husband like giving him a lie-in and I can’t even do that!!

I have been worrying the past few days about not being able to do Water Babies with Sam due to the bag and/or operations. I signed up for the classes before Sam was born and they are due to start in Feb 2012. These have to be done when the babies are small and it is the one thing Chris and I were extremely keen to do. With Chris working offshore if I am unable to do the classes it is unlikely that he will be able to, and not all of the classes anyway. I will be absolutely devastated if these classes can’t go ahead due to this colostomy – it’s not something that can be delayed and its something that’s really important to us both. This is always at the back of my mind.

I am worried this morning again about the fact that the maternity ward forgot to make my appointment with the colo rectal consultant. What if this whole thing takes months and months and there are lots of delays?? I am really upset at the prospect of spending so much of my precious maternity leave recovering from operations. Sam is my first child and I want to be able to enjoy my time with him properly – I’ll never get this time again, and even if I have another child and have maternity leave it won’t be the same. This is the most upsetting thing about this operation, and the future operations. I feel very bitter this morning about that.

I have also looked at my stomach and wondered about the scarring that I’m going to be left with. It is ironic really because I made a point of not buying any expensive stretch mark creams to prove that you don’t need them to avoid stretch marks – a silly little thing of mine really. I didn’t have any stretch marks and now I’m going to have horrible scars. I wonder how they’re going to get the bowel back into my body with enough skin to knit back together on the surface. I bet I’m going to have a hideous scar...great look for a bikini!! Yet another side affect I hadn’t previously really thought about.

Hoovered for the first time today – was actually nice!

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