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28th January - 17th February 2012

Updated: Sep 18, 2020

Saturday 28th January 2012

I was changing the bag this morning when all of sudden the stoma started working when I thought there was nothing else to come, so I had to stand there with both hands while they filled up with my absolutely disgusting.

Sunday 29th January 2012

I took Sam for a walk around 10am as he was struggling to settle down for a sleep. He was in the baby bjorn and we went down to the new little Asda in the next village. I was at the till with all my things on the conveyer belt when all of a sudden I felt the bag fill. I had to ask the checkout girl if I could use the toilet, she said that normally they didn’t allow it so I showed her my emergency card. The manager took me upstairs to the staff toilet, I rushed inside, then realised I still had Sam and the cubicle was too small, so I had to rush back out and give Sam to her, a total stranger, while I went and emptied the bag. So now I am scared to go walking to shops etc – what if I need to empty the bag? Do I have to put Sam on the floor of a public toilet as I don’t have time to faff about with him??? I was mortified and I bet they wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I hate being different.

Thursday 9th February 2012

My parents came for the a few days over the weekend and I had to think about where we could go where there was toilet for Colin which frustrated me immensely. Then this morning I was in the bathroom changing Colin when all of a sudden it activated really runny faeces and it splattered all over the floor and over the bath mats. I had to mop it up with toilet roll, wash the floor and wash the bath mats. It was disgusting and time consuming as I only had about 20 minutes to change the bag, have a shower and eat my breakfast during Sam’s nap, and it stressed me out having to suddenly deal with all this shit everywhere all of a’s the last thing I need!!!!!

I don’t know what I’ve eaten recently but for the past 3 days the bag has constantly been filling up with air all the time. It’s really frustrating and embarrassing – I was at Frans from yoga and it kept making noises and I was mortified, I kept having to go to the toilet and let the air out while everyone else sat and played with their babies. I have had to let the air out through the night and even when I’ve changed the bag it still fills back up with air again quickly. It might be peanut butter which is making the bag windy, and I love peanut butter. I wish it would stop being so windy all the time!

Friday 10th February 2012

Bag still being constantly windy and uncomfortable all day.

February 11th-17th February 2012

This week has been very hard. I got the copy of the report from the hospital this week and it really upset me just going through it all over again. I cannot believe that there has been hardly any mention of the infection as for me that was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. I have never been in so much pain, or experienced such fear of my own body before and I cannot believe that the fact that the infection did not get diagnosed for so long, despite me saying there was something wrong, is not a failure on the behalf of the hospital. This has all upset me very much and I have struggled for the rest of the week. I cried on the bus into town to meet friends and just felt devastated all over again. I am upset and worried about the consequences of me not having anti-d after the deliver y so I have worried all week about the implications of this. I have been really traumatised and put off future children after reading even more things that were wrong. I could not even face writing in the diary. Colin has been a pain all week too, I went for lunch at a friends house and she very kindly had made me leek and potato soup. Unfortunately this made colin windy all night so even when I was not up feeding Sam I had to get up to empty the wind in the bag overnight which meant I had even less sleep. Just so annoying!!! I hate it.

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