Wednesday 25th April – Thursday 3rd May 2012
The last couple of weeks have been really really really hard. Really emotional. I cry over anything and feel totally out of control. Reality is really setting in about everything I have lost. I cannot bear to think about my job, all my friends, all the things I can’t do, all the jobs I can’t do, all the exciting things I used to do, the excitement of waking up in the morning and knowing I have a fantastic job to go to. All gone. Gone. Just so devastated. We are now moving back to Alnwick. Now this is not a magic wand. It will not make me feel any better about what has happened, and what I still have to go through, but I need my family around me as I am just not coping. I went to visit my yoga friends yesterday and all of a sudden I just burst into tears and had to leave. I cried around the local park with Sam and then put him to bed. It’s just so unfair seeing all these others girls having a lovely time on their maternity leave and I have so much shit going on. Poor Sam is an afterthought half of the time bless him. Makes me feel terrible. My poor child entering the world into such chaos. I hate what is happening. I am devastated and heartbroken that we are leaving Yorkshire as this means it’s the end of it all. I came here 3 years ago so full of hope and excitement and I can’t believe it’s all been cut short so cruelly. Life is unfair at times.
Colin has been playing up too, it’s the stress. The other day I was lying down, finally trying to have a bit of rest while Sam slept when I smelt something gross. Somehow there was a little hole in the bag so there was shit everywhere. Great. So I had to have a shower, change the bag and wash my clothes. Bang went my precious nap. Am so tired of it all. Everyone wants a piece of me – I have to see 3 psychiatrists, what a joke. I just want this chapter of my life to end so that I can start another. I need to move on and not sit discussing things endlessly with all these bloody shrinks. Nothing that anyone can say will make it better. I feel my stomach churn when I hear or see a police car, and I turn any police tv show over immediately. I feel sick and anxious all of the time and can’t sleep. I’m exhausted.