25th-26th January 2012

Updated: Sep 18, 2020

Wednesday 25th January 2012


I’ve had a very annoying week because my special swimming suit didn’t arrive in time for aqua babies on Monday so I had to miss the first session. I was really really gutted. The suit arrived on Tuesday but was too small so I’ve had to send it back and wait for a replacement. This means I’ll miss swimming AGAIN tomorrow with Lina and Chrissy. I am starting to get totally and utterly fed up with this whole situation. I just want to be like other mums and get on with my maternity – I can’t even take my baby swimming!!!I have to wait and get special swim wear in order to go and precious time is being wasted. Iam so pissed off about everything. Chris went back to work for a month yesterday and I had problems with Sam in the morning due to the bag. I was in the middle of feeding him when suddenly the bag filled, so I had to rush and put him in his nursery bed and dash to the toilet. I could hear him screaming while I was in the bathroom and it was incredibly frustrating that I had to just abandon him like that. Feeding time is bonding time and it’s a precious time – I’ve already had the opportunity to breastfeed taken away from me and now even normal feeds are being interrupted. I went to see my GP this morning about my panic attack, and to see if I could get counselling. I told her that I was told back in October that I had automatically been referred for counselling after everything that I had been through, and I was told that they would put my name down for it then as even if I didn’t want it then (which I didn’t), my place would be kept otherwise I would have to go on a waiting list if I decided at a later date that I wanted counselling. Surprise surprise there was no record of this on the system!!! So once again I am on a waiting list instead of having everything already sorted out for me. Why can’t anyone ever do what they’re saying they will do? The NHS clearly couldn’t give a stuff about me at all. My GP is going to write a letter to my colo rectal consultants department and see if I can have my tests any earlier than 9th March. I am starting to feel depressed and like there is no end in sight for all this shit.

Thursday 26th January 2012

I went for a walk along the canal and up through the woods with Amy, I carried Sam in the baby bjorn. We had just staggered up the cutting hill in the wood close to home when all of a sudden I felt the bag fill rapidly. I quickly felt it and realised that I had to empty it very quickly. There was a big group of ramblers coming towards us so I had to quickly take Sam out of the baby bjorn, give him to Amy and run as quickly as possible home to the toilet. It was extremely stressful and distressing, and I only just made it to the toilet in time. What if Amy hadn’t been there? I couldn’t obviously run with Sam in case I tripped, and he’s too heavy etc. I would have just had to let the bag leak in the middle of a public place and walk back through the village and over the main road covered in shit. This happened at around 1pm, I hadn’t eaten lunch yet and so wasn’t prepared in any way for it – mornings are usually the most dangerous time. Amy stayed with me for the rest of the afternoon as I know she wanted to keep an eye on me as obviously I was upset about what had happened. This has now made me doubt how far I should go out walking on my own – I love walking and walk 3-4 miles almost every day. So, now I cannot go swimming as my swimsuit hasn’t arrived yet, and now walking seems in jeopardy too. I just want my life back.

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