Tuesday 17th January 2012
I went to the dentist for a filling this morning, which I was not bothered or worried about at all. I had a panic attack during the treatment. I don’t know why really, I think it was the lack of control and the fact that the last time someone else had control of my health it all went horribly wrong. I was hyperventilating and the dentist said that I was moments away from fainting. I have never ever had any sort of panic attack in my life, and it came totally out of the blue. For a few hours afterwards my chest felt really tight. I felt frightened and actually quite traumatised by the whole experience. What if I develop panic attacks from all of this? I feel out of control of my own body after everything – the allergic reactions and now this attack too – and I wonder what will be next. I hope this doesn’t happen every time I go to the dentist. I hope there are no more currently unseen side effects and I think I may have been more traumatised than I originally thought. The dentist really didn’t seem to understand it at all, I think he thought I was being totally ridiculous as women have babies all the time without turning into a nervous bloody wreck. His approach was to hold his hand over my mouth, pressing my head against the chair and shout “BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE! BREATHE!”. I genuinely thought I was going to die, utterly helpless and panic stricken, I struggled against his hands and forced myself to breathe through my nose. I tried to explain I was struggling after the bad birth of my child but he looked straight through me like I was invisible.
Thursday 19th January 2012
I got up at 5am to feed Sam and was about to sneak back to bed (I keep the lights on dim so it doesn’t wake me up too much) but low and behold the sodding bloody bag almost overfilled so I had to go into the brightly lit bathroom and completely change the bag, thus waking myself up completely. Really bloody annoying. The bag has been filling up loads all morning, and just as we were about to rush off to take my car to the garage for its MOT it needed emptying again at a really inconvenient time. Everything has to stop while I rush upstairs to the bathroom. God I hate it!!!!! I’ve had to order a new swimming costume for water babes on Monday – cost £38 to get one to fit round Colin as it has support panels....£38 for a bloody swimming costume!! Another expense I could do without.